it takes control of the person that i thought i was
by poisonrationalitie
Summary: Think of Cedric. How fast he had to run. All that training he did for the Tournament. / Cho grapples with an enemy she cannot name. / Title credits to 'Waves' by Dean Lewis.


**A/N: For Hogwarts Assignment #5, Defense Against the Dark Arts: Dementors - **_**Write about someone dealing with depression.**_

**Warnings for grief, depression, mentions of (canonical) character death, self-harm, thoughts of suicide, and eating problems (as a result of depression). **

"Cho. Cho, we're going to be late. You need to wake up."

She stirred, but did not open her eyes. Her limbs felt heavy. The blanket was wrapped tightly around her, holding her in place. Her pillow was warm. Cedric had been smiling at her. She pressed her face against the pillow, trying to feel his face once more. The darkness was a comfort. It swirled around her, caressing her gaunt face, wrapping its arms around her tiny frame. The way Cedric had, once. He'd held her close and promised to never let her go. She obviously hadn't promised him the same enough. If she had, would he have still gone for the cup? Would he have entered his name? _He was trying to prove himself to be good enough for Miss Popular Cho Chang, the selfish bitch. He died trying to prove himself. You're heartless. He probably died thinking he wasn't good enough for you. He wasn't, was he? You fancied Harry, the winner. As if you can have high standards. Not even Harry wanted you, in the end, did he? _

Something touched her. She flinched. A groan escaped her lips. Marietta's hand closed around her arm. "Cho. We'll miss Charms." The darkness fell away. It was replaced by a blurry image of her curly-haired friend, frowning over her. She stunk of makeup, and her face was three inches thick. Still, the bumps of scars could be seen on her forehead. Cho's stomach twisted. _Remember? _She needed to look away. She couldn't face it. Her eyes were glued to Marietta's forehead. _Remember why she was in the D.A? Remember what happened? Remember how you insisted? You dragged her to every meeting, you knew about her mother and didn't care. You just didn't want to go alone. She's going to have those scars for the rest of her life. Because of you. What would Cedric think? He'd never do that. He wouldn't want you. He'd be disgusted. _Marietta was still looking at her, flaunting the scars. Reminding her. Her breath smelled like peppermint. Nausea rose in the back of her throat. It was too early for peppermint.

"Go away," Cho grizzled, managing to shut her eyes. The back of her eyelids were some kind of reprieve. _Marietta's been waiting for you, and now you're blowing her off. Great friend you are. It's your fault she doesn't have anyone else anyways. Because you thought you got to decide what she did. And now you're being a crybaby because you're too lazy to get off your arse and go to Charms. Wow. Your parents must be so proud of you, Cho. Cedric must be so proud. Marietta's the one with scars, and even she can go to Charms. What's wrong with you? Nothing's ever gone right for crybaby Cho? The team's still holding your position for you when you never show up to training, Professor Flitwick's been sending owls after you to check you're okay, your parents send you sweets, Marietta waits around for you, and all you can do is cry? Stupid bitch. _"I can't. I can't go."

"Cho." The bed creaked as Marietta sat down, and Cho's eyes flooded with tears. "It's been a week." _A whole week and you can hardly get out of bed. Look at you. You're a stupid lazy bitch. You're taking up space in the dormitory. Nobody wants you here. What about all your textbooks that your parents paid for, the uniforms, the broomstick? All a waste of money. Why bother with you? _

"I know," Cho said. _Do you? Or are you too thick to get it? If you know, why don't you change? Why do you keep doing this? Do you really care about Marietta? Anyone at all? You've always been selfish, but this is a new low, Cho. _"I can't. I can't."

"Can't what?" Marietta's hand reached under the covers and found her hand. Cho jerked away, but the other girl grabbed it and squeezed it, hard. _She's touching you. Watch out. When was the last time you showered? Two days ago? Three? You're filthy. You can't even get out of bed. Godric, Cho. You're a nasty piece of work. _"Cho, it's just Charms. Professor Flitwick's been really worried about you." _See, Cho? How annoying you are? Professor Flitwick's got plenty to worry about, he teaches all seven years of Charms and marks them all and is Head of Ravenclaw and he has to put all that aside to worry about you. You, who can't even shower because you're a disgusting pig. _"Come on. Just wash your face and get changed. He knows you haven't been feeling well, you won't get into trouble. It's only a short lesson."

She opened her eyes once more, and stared at the door to the small bathroom off their dormitory. It was probably fifteen or sixteen steps from her bed. She'd have to push her covers down, sit up, swing her legs around, stand, take one step, then another, then another, then another…._And you're too lazy to do that, aren't you? Think of Cedric. How fast he had to run. All that training he did for the Tournament. Maybe if he'd had a better girlfriend, he wouldn't have died. Maybe if you'd stopped studying as much as you did and gone and watched him more and supported him, he wouldn't have died. But no. You had to study for your O. . And now you got into the classes you want, you don't even show up. So it was all for nothing, wasn't it?_

"It's too much," Cho said, wanting to shut her eyes once more, but not having the energy to. Her eyes watered, although she wasn't sure if it was from the pit in her stomach or because her eyes were unblinking. _What's too much, Cho? Your dead boyfriend? You know what was a little much for him? Being murdered. Which was your fault. Godric, what's the point of you? He was murdered, and you whinge about having to wash your face. How much lazier can you get? _"No," she said, and used what little effort she could muster to push her body into the mattress. "I can't, I can't."

"Is it the nightmares?" asked Marietta. Her free hand moved to Cho's face. _It's filthy. Hasn't been cleaned. Your breath smells, by the way. You've let yourself go, haven't you? Not Miss Popular any longer. Who's taken over from you? Maybe Romilda Vane. You lost to Romilda Vane. Awesome job. _"We can get a potion for that. It really does help," she said. Silence clogged Cho's nostrils. "It helped me." _Look what you did, Cho. Gave the poor girl nightmares. Wasn't she happier before you? Without you?_

"No nightmares," Cho managed. It was true. Her dreams were nice. _You don't deserve nice dreams. You don't deserve to dream of Cedric. He'll never get to dream again, you know. _She squeezed Marietta's hand. "It's just…" How to explain? _You can't. You're too stupid to find the words. Besides, she wouldn't understand. Nobody's this weird, this secrewed up, Cho. Just you. There's nothing that can be done for you. No potion, no fix. You'd get shoved in the Janus Thickey ward. No, not there - it's not spell damage. Just you. Just you being a pathetic waste of a person. Marietta's going to go to class and tell everyone about what a nutcase you are. Everyone's talking about you. How could they not be? All the other girls in the dormitory have noticed, probably everyone in the year. You've been absent for so many lessons. Flitwick talks about you too. All the professors must sit around going, 'what to do with Cho Chang? You know, the one that skives off every lesson? Maybe they've sent a letter to your parents. Maybe they'll come pick you up from the station. Take you to St. Mungo's. _

"Cho." She could see the glistening in Marietta's eyes, and wished she could turn away. _She's going to cry because of you. How do you feel? Like a piece of shit? You should. Hasn't her life been hard enough? _"Please talk to me. I want to help. You haven't been normal." _When were you normal? Maybe you've always been broken. Maybe you can't be fixed. Maybe Cedric was lucky to die before he saw the truth of you. _

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, mainly into her pillow. "Go to Charms."

"No. I want to wait for you."

_Good job, Cho. She's going to be late and miss Charms because you can't get off your arse. Soon she'll hate you. It'll be better then. You'll not be hurting anyone else. Godric, Cho, why do you keep doing this to people? What's the point? Do you want everyone to suffer?_ "No," Cho said. "Don't. Please. Just go." She managed to roll over, losing grip of Marietta's hand. "I'm not going to make it."

Her friend's face was pinched, but Marietta shrugged. "It's only a short lesson. I'll be back afterwards." She wrapped her arms around Cho, enveloping her into a hug. "It'll be okay. I'll bring you something to eat, if you like." Cho shut her eyes and nodded, and then Marietta was gone when she opened them once more. She stared at the blue canopy above her bed. It made her think of home. Cedric had visited just once, between the Quidditch World Cup and the start of the term. _Before he died. Before you killed him, because you looked at Harry, because you made him insecure, because you weren't there, because you didn't care, because you were a heartless bitch. _ She'd had things on her wall then. Tornados posters, pictures of her and Marietta and the other girls in her dormitory, origami, ripped-out pages from poetry books, highlighted. It had still felt like home. The day she'd got home, after the Tournament, after everything, she'd ripped it all down, slamming her fists into the wall, breaking her nails and leaving them bleeding.

She'd had a blue canopy above her bed at home. Her and Cedric hadn't been dating properly when he visited - she'd only broken up with Roger Davies in May. "_I've entered the belly of the bird," _Cedric had laughed, noting the colour-coordination of her bedroom. "_Behind enemy lines," _Cho had joked, grinning, but he'd shook his head. "_You're not my enemy." _And then he'd touched her cheek, looking into her eyes.

She had to touch her own cheek now. It was wet. "I'm sorry," she told him, clasping her hands like she was praying. "I miss you." _You don't deserve to miss him. It's your fault he's dead. Pushing him to enter, to be more competitive…_ "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ced- I'm sorry." She choked on her sobs, her body convulsing with the cries wracking through her bones. Her hands came apart and grabbed at the pillow the way she'd grabbed at his shirt a year and a half earlier, screaming for him to stay. She screamed now. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! I CAN'T TAKE THIS! MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE, I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT!" She sat up at some point, arms around the pillow, rocking back and forth. Her throat was raw and spittle covered her swollen lips. She shrieked in frustration and threw the pillow as hard as she could at the picture frame by her bed. It did nothing. This only made things worse. She grabbed one of the posts of her bed, taking a breath, and then hit it repeatedly, slamming her palm into it at first and then just slapping it, each _thwack _grounding her.

Weeks without training and eating poorly had made her rather less fit than she was used to, and she was forced to stop. Cho slumped, panting hard, and dug her nails into her arm. Small crescent dents were left in her flesh, but there was no blood. _What are you doing, you stupid bitch? What is this achieving? What's the point of you? What's the point of anything? What's the point? What's the point? You can't even make yourself bleed. What use are you? _

She tilted her head back, letting the last of the tears drip down onto her pyjamas. Her blood was pumping, in spite of her exhaustion. Cho threw the covers off and crossed the room in quick strides, reaching the bathroom door. Once her feet touched the cool tiles, however, her energy was another story. She stumbled, and took hold of the sink. Slowly, she leaned forward, pressing her forehead to the glass of the mirror.

The cold seemed to shock her. She took one deep breath. Exhaled slowly. _What are you doing to yourself? Why do you keep doing this? You're going to get kicked off the team, and fail your N.E. , and mess up the rest of your life. Why do you bother? Why keep trying? _Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. She managed to run the water, and watched it disappear down the sink hole. _Like you should. Godric, Cho, it wouldn't be that hard. Run away. Disappear. Whatever, it makes no difference. Nobody will even notice you're gone, because you've missed so much class anyways._

"I just want it to stop," she whispered to the swirl of water, disappearing into the pipes. _Maybe you'll become the Moaning Myrtle of Ravenclaw Tower. Or the new Grey Lady. You can be miserable forever. That's what you deserve, isn't it? Crybaby Cho can cry forever. _"I won't be a ghost," she said aloud, her voice shaking. "You only become a ghost if you're not ready. I'm ready. I want this. I want this." _Imagine the person who finds your body. What a pain. You'll traumatise them. Good Godric, that's the last thing you'll ever do. Be a burden on someone else. _She started to cry again. _You're such an ugly crier. No wonder Harry wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Anyone would choose Hermione Granger over you. They'd choose Eloise Midgen over you. You deserve this, Cho._

"Cho?"

She froze in place, heart pounding. "Cho? Are you in here? Did you get up?" Her hands were too stiff to turn the tap off. "Where are you?" She began to rock on the balls of her feet. "Can I come in? Cho? I just want to check on you. I'm just -" Marietta's voice broke. "I'm worried." The door was ajar. She watched Marietta nudge it open in the mirror. "Cho! Cho! You scared me!" Cho shut her eyes, and felt the other girl squeeze her. She choked out a sob and opened her eyes. Marietta stepped back, bottom lip trembling. "Cho, you weren't in bed, I was - I thought -" Marietta threw her arms around Cho again. Cho pressed her head into Marietta's shoulder, shaking.

"I'm sorry," Cho mumbled.

"No, no, no, don't," Marietta said, shaking too. "Are you - Dumb. Sorry. I thought you'd sleep."

"I did, a little bit," she admitted.

"I should've stayed. I would never have forgiven myself if - if -"

"I know," she said. "But it wouldn't be your fault." She managed to squeeze Marietta back, though she thought of Cedric. _It wouldn't be your fault. _She let herself cry into Marietta, to let go of the few tears she had left. At some stage, they ended up sitting on the floor, Cho's back against the wall, vision blurry, muscles aching.

"You're my best friend," Marietta said, after Cho hadn't cried for some time. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Cho. Nobody talks to me since everything last year. I need you." Her mouth formed something that was meant to be a smile. Cho wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

"You're my best friend," Cho echoed, her heart hurting. _Maybe you'll have a heart attack. Maybe that'd be best. _"I'm sorry."

"No. It's okay. I mean - I'm not angry with you. I -" Marietta cut herself off, and Cho returned her gaze to the floor, feeling her eyelids droop with fatigue. "You were going to, weren't you?" Cho inhaled deeply, not managing to nod, and Marietta buried her face in her hands for a moment. Then she looked up. "I love you, Cho."

"You too," Cho managed, covering her mouth with her hand. The saliva stuck to her fingers. She pulled away and wiped it on her pyjama bottoms. "Thank you for finding me."


End file.
